Queen of Awkward Moments

Like the popular section in magazines, who wore awkward best?  This is a really hard call since there are so many similarities: similar hideous floral dresses, equally horrible haircuts, and the failed attempt to smile/look happy.  They both perfectly capture the look of discomfort that let everyone know how awkward you felt at that age.  It’s safe to say that this contest has no winner but I definitely lose since one of these pictures is me.

The upside to being awkward at a young age is that it prepares you for the plethora of awkward moments that are bound to come through out life.  Go West might be the “King of Wishful Thinking” but I’m the Queen of Awkward Moments.

Last Saturday was a perfect example.  I woke up at 5:00 AM to the sound of pounding on my wall.  I got up to see what the hell was going on and was displeased to discover my roommate having hardcore sex in the living room, whipped cream and all.  As I turned on the lights we both screamed and I ran back to my room disgusted and weirdly kind of hungry.

I laid there for the rest of the morning pissed off and trying to figure out what I could say.  Plenty of aggressive and angry digs came to mind but as time went on I realized that I had to be assertive and just make the best of the situation. I finally decided to come out from hiding and my roommate was cooking in the kitchen.  I was mustering up the courage to give the speech I had been working on for the past 5 hours when my roommate asked if we could pretend like nothing happened and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.  That seemed a lot easier than going into my courtesy manifesto, so I let it go.

I decided exercising would be a great way to start fresh so I got dressed and went to the gym.  I was running on the treadmill listening to my exercise mix filled with rap, hip hop, and mash ups that make you move.  I don’t dance on the treadmill but when a song I really like comes on I sometimes run to the beat.  Unfortunately as I got really into “Blurred Lines” I lost my footing and went down on the treadmill like a sack of potatoes on a conveyer belt. I slammed into the machine behind me at full force and the entire gym got silent and three employees darted towards me.  Everyone wanted to make sure I was ok but the attention was like adding insult to injury at that point.  I didn’t need a spotlight on my moment of embarrassment but there was no one working the lights.  I assured them that I was fine, gathered my things, and went home.  I had no broken bones, my ipod was working so there was nothing really damaged besides my ego.  I was used to that by now.

The day dragged on and I had a busy night in the city.  I had been MIA for some time and decided to jump back into my social life head first.  I had been sick for a while and hadn’t gone out but then I got used to staying in, which was a cycle I was about to break.  I got a reminder about a few events people posted on Facebook and realized that a friend, maybe acquaintance would be a better word, I hadn’t seen in years was having a birthday party in the city.  I was mapping out my whole night and was feeling good about the social progress I was making. The gym and roommate sex incidents from earlier were fading away and I had hopes that the day would end a lot better than it had started.

I arrived at the bar of the estranged friend and could not find anyone I knew.  As I headed towards that back I realized there was another back room where the party was probably taking place.  As I entered, I saw my friend along with his immediate and extended family having dinner.  When I made eye contact with him he had a look of shock on his face and his family just looked confused.  It was too late to pretend I didn’t see him and walk out, so I had to make a grand entrance.  I put a smile on my face and went and gave him a big hug.  He actually said, “Wow Bev, haven’t seen you in years.  Wasn’t expecting you.  Good to see you.” It was like I had run into him at a random bar.  Thanks for the comforting words and letting me know I was accidentally invited!  I had to sit there for an hour while his family interviewed me.  I was mortified.  It was like being on a bad first date.  Unwelcoming questions, checking your watch to see if you stayed an acceptable amount of time, and just a feeling of discomfort that spreads through out your body.  Finally after an hour I said I had to go to another birthday party and hugged him goodbye.  His mother was so sweet and gave me a hug and went to give me a kiss on the cheek but got me smack on the lips instead.  As if the situation wasn’t embarrassing enough.  Red faced and in a hurry, I left the bar.

I grabbed a cab to go to the next event on my list and the driver actually looked into the rearview mirror and asked with concern, “Are you ok”?  I was still trying to process what had just happened but mumbled, “Yeah.  East Village please.”  Onto the next circus.

I arrived at my destination and found myself surrounded by nameless bars in the hipster abyss of Alphabet City.  Why was it so cool to have a bar that doesn’t put the name anywhere in sight?  I walked back and forth down the block several times.  I gave up and decided that the bar on the corner seemed the most likely to hold a party, so I walked in and everyone looked at me like I had 7 heads.  When I stopped and took a look around I realized that I was crashing not only an engagement party but a toast the parents were giving to the happy couple.  I apologized profusely, probably making it worse, and then ran out of the bar.  I tried the tiny bar next door and of course that was where my friend’s party was.  I saw someone I knew as I walked in and they said, “There you are!  I saw you outside passing the bar like 10 times but then you disappeared.”  Thanks for the heads up! It was really good to see her and my friend, the birthday girl, but she was bouncing around the bar making the rounds.  I went to go to the bathroom and as I was crossing the bar, a group of girls entered and I was trapped.  It turns out it was all the girls I went to camp with when I was younger.  No one was rude but there also wasn’t a steady flow of conversation.  After the “Hi! How are you’s” I had nothing to say. It was a lot of standing there saying “Yeah…so” and then dead silence until the other person would make up an excuse to get out of the situation.  Why am I so terrible at small talk?  I could have just said,”I have to go to the bathroom.  It was good seeing you”, but no.  I had to be the awkward person that just stands there.  I finally got a hold of the birthday girl and got a chance to talk to her.  Her new work friend cornered me and asked if I would go have a cigarette with her.  I took this as my chance to bounce so I said yes.  I said my goodbyes to the birthday girl and headed out with her coworker.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

It was freezing outside.  She was blowing smoke in my face as she began the story of her new found love affair with an orthodox Jewish colleague from Miami.  I didn’t know this girl’s name but I did know that she was horny, scared of a commitment, and wanted advice on how to proceed.  Before I could come up with some sort of answer she hugged me and asked if we could be best friends.  I didn’t answer.  As I stood there while this girl was hugging me to the point of suffocation, a drunk girl and her friends walk by and she says, “OMG!  You guys are the cutest couple ever!”.  And on that note I broke up the pow wow, got a cab, and headed home.

I was happy to be in the social scene again, but when I was MIA I didn’t have to deal with these weird people or awkward moments. No wonder I didn’t go out for so long.  I wasn’t expecting to have the best night of my life but I also wasn’t expecting the most awkward one either.  I guess when I come back, I really come back. I was a bit tipsy and decided to get Burger King as a consolation prize.  I was scarfing down BK in the elevator when the door opened. I went to step out and slammed into my roommate and partner in sex who were trying to get in. There was just staring and a look of disgust on their faces.  With a full mouth I said, “Excuse me”, pushed through them, and proudly walked towards my apartment.  When I reached my door I couldn’t find my keys.  Fuck! Obviously I locked them in the apartment.  I attempted to break in using a credit card when my neighbor, with a disapproving look, found me drunk and struggling.  My credit card broke in half and I wound up sleeping on my strange neighbor’s couch instead of swallowing my pride and calling my roommate.  I had to listen to Enya the whole night and woke up to him and his boyfriend staring at me on the couch.

After the creepy wake up call I decided to try my luck at my apartment.  I pounded on the door and a grumpy roommate opened the door and had the balls to tell me I was being rude!  I was so tired and embarrassed from the past 24 hours that I just walked straight into my room, fell face first into bed, and slept for 8 hours.

I felt revived after my nap. But then the events from the day before began to replay in my head.  I had a feeling of embarrassment in my gut that wouldn’t go away.  I opened a drawer and found my fifth grade picture and it weirdly made me feel better.  It was reassuring in the sense that if I could make it through that bout of awkwardness then I can recover from anything.  It is surprising how time can heal all wounds and by the next morning I felt so much better.

But as sure as the sun rises, more awkward moments will come my way and I will think, “Holy shit.  What is wrong with me?”  But I will look back at that picture and reflect on my past embarrassing moments and realize it’s not that bad and I will come out even stronger.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my resilience and ability to make the best of awkward situations.  And hey, they do make great stories.  Until the next post!

Happy Holidays!

-Bev

Johnny Be Bad…And Stupid.

WARNING: OVERSIZED LOAD AND EGO.  THIS IMAGE MAY CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE.

Who couldn’t resist a charmer like Johnny?  With his ripped body, nut hugger tighty whities, and orange complexion it’s a wonder he’s 44 years old on a dating site.  Not only does this Adonis have style, he has a killer personality and is ultra smooth with the ladies.

Yesterday I saw the notification that I had a message waiting from an admirer.  I went to find out what this Don Juan wrote me.  He certainly caught my attention.

If that doesn’t whisk a girl off her feet I don’t know what does.  Oh wait, I do…anything else!  I had to see what this guy was about.  I checked out his profile and this message became even more ridiculous when I did some reconnaissance.

He likes monkeys, has great personal hygiene, and has one interest…tennis.  I’m sure he almost went pro with that body and personality.  Opportunities like this don’t come along very often so I made sure to take full advantage.  I responded in the above message correspondence.  I couldn’t have wished for a better response (below).

He responded, “You have extra mayo”.  I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean but by my powers of deduction I assume he was hungry?  His primitive nature was really attractive but I think a compatible mate might be a Chimp.  The Chimp may be smarter but at least they’re on the same playing field.  Maybe the monkey in the picture was his ex?  I had my fun with him, but he was getting annoying and I am sure he was harassing others as well so I reported him.  About an hour later I received this:

Is this Neanderthal serious?  Did he really think a backhanded compliment was the best way to court a woman?  Then on top of that, did he think adding insulting comments to try to make her feel self conscious and insecure was going to seal the deal?  Newsflash genius: you just became the story that every girl will publicize as the worst attempt at dating.

I know I’m not the first and certainly not the last girl who will encounter this beast.  I just wonder if anyone ever took the bait?  My guess is no.  But what puzzles me the most is why anyone would think that this approach would be a good idea.  I’ll give him one thing.  He did engage me but mostly because I needed new material for a blog that he has no idea I’m writing.  Luckily I’m comfortable with myself but to other women who are on these sites, that can cause a serious case of low self esteem.  And to that I say F*CK this guy.

This reminds me once again of my previous blog about men’s overcompensation and low self esteem, “He’s Just Not That Into Himself: A Guide To Men’s Overcompensation”.  Clearly this guy has a screw loose among other things.  His attempt to knock women down a peg is so that someone could be on his level.  Unfortunately it would take a thousand pegs for anyone to be close.  People like Johnny- those with a horrible personality, no respect for themselves (first picture featured), low IQ (who in their 40’s can’t spell sandwich), and no interests or ambition- bully people into being friends or dare I say romantic relationships.  Surprisingly his classy approach doesn’t work well.  He’d be a great addition to a trilogy of “The 44 Year Old Virgin”.  He definitely has social issues, no game, and I would bet my right arm he has never gotten laid let alone kissed a girl.  Maybe he’s just barking up the wrong tree?  Beasteality exists for a reason and although commonly looked down upon, I think this might be the yellow brick road to his happiness.

I do have to thank him for actually raising my self esteem.  If I ever feel sorry for myself, I just have to remember Johnny’s extremely pathetic existence and I will bounce back in no time.  I am not going to bash him anymore because I’m starting to think he has some developmental delay, in addition to being an a**hole, since all his attempts were highly juvenile for someone his age.

If anyone is looking for a catch like this, Johnny’s “due” and has included his contact info.  You better get in touch soon because that guy won’t be around for long.  It’s a matter of time until he’s locked up behind bars, whether it is in prison or a zoo.

Thanks Johnny!  It’s been a pleasure exposing you.  Onto the next freak!

-Bev

F*CK, MARRY, CLIFF…PICKING THE LESSER OF THREE EVILS

It’s slim pickings nowadays in the online dating world.  I think the picture above says it all.  I have not been going on many dates lately because I have been contacted by creepy, creepier, and creepiest.  They just progressively get worse.  It’s extremely discouraging and further supports my previous sentiments about online dating but for some reason I am still on the website. I can’t complain, I have gotten some great stories out of it and pictures to boot.

As I looked through the visitors who contacted me, the game Fuck, Marry, Cliff came to mind.  Your friend would name either 3 really awesome people or 3 really awful people and you’d have to pick who you would fuck, who you would marry, and who you would throw off a cliff.  I know it’s a sick game but I didn’t make it up and most people have played it at some point in their life.  So the picture above reminded me of that game and my immediate reaction was to throw myself off the cliff…in every scenario.  I’m sure some of them are great people but that doesn’t mean I have any interest.  Especially when the first impression is an embarrassing screen name, questionable picture, and/or a boring or uncomfortable message.

Let’s examine the average visitor who contacts me from the random sample above.  Okay, Papi Da S. is the least harmless but anyone who refers to themselves in third person as Papi will probably not be my soulmate.  So let’s start with TD.  Was this glamour shot taken before the Key Club Intergenerational Prom or is this just business cas?  Between the tux with the coattails and using the word fancy in his greeting (especially when it is asking if I would be interested in doing something) that’s already two strikes at first glance. Let’s move onto the next Don Juan, Graffin65.   For some reason I automatically assume he’s had a skin graft from looking at his screen name and picture.  Maybe a name change would be advisable.  Nevertheless, he looks like a solid candidate…for a free meth clinic.  Besides the fact that he was probably tweaking in Tompkins Square Park when I was born, he’s almost 20 years older than me.  That would be fine except for the fact that my profile explicitly says I’m looking for someone 28-36.  He was only about a decade off…give or take.  I hope he is on drugs if simple mathematics is a struggle at 48 years old.  I don’t know if we’ve saved the best for last but EagleCross is certainly special.  What really sealed the deal for me was his 1987 Miami Vice getup and the stimulating conversation, “Hi”.  I hope he’s not depending on his wit and good fashion sense to win people over.

Since I’m not someone who avidly looks for dates, I usually only go on the site when someone messages me.  Unfortunately, the characters above are the usual suspects contacting me so last time I took a glance at the visitors section.  I came across a really disturbing profile that put everything into perspective.  Warning: This may not be appropriate for people with sight.

Yes, that is a tattoo of Jesus and Lucifer on his chest.  Yes, he drinks water on the reg and was a cheerleader in high school.  He’s one bad ass cheerleader.  His pictures may be disturbing but his sob story about his Miniature Dachshund, which seems like an appropriate breed for him, brought some depth and humanity to his character.  His entire profile was one big cliche but I highlighted the most important parts.  He wasn’t even the weirdest guy just the most notable that looked at my profile in the past day.  This made the list of guys who contacted me look better and better each second.  I might have to reevaluate that Fuck, Marry, Cliff game…or just wait until someone who seems like a viable option contacts me.

The one thing I do appreciate about the Goth Cheerleader is that he is realistic.  I think he could tell that we probably weren’t a good fit just by looking at pictures and my profile.  I may have a tattoo on my chest of a devil’s pitchfork busting through a Star of David and only wear leather chaps on Saturdays, but that’s private.  He could probably tell his hair band facade was too hard core for me.  Seriously though, these sites are supposed to be convenient AND help you to avoid meeting someone who has nothing in common with you.  That’s what the short profile is for.  No, my profile does not capture all of me but it is a good starting point to see if we have similar interests and are attracted to each other.  I give a good enough description of who I am and clearly state what I’m looking for.  If you’re too lazy to read or just don’t care then you better have something amazing to grab my attention.  “You’re pretty” and “Hi” don’t quite cut it.  You need to be smart, witty, or so handsome that I couldn’t refuse a date.  All three separately are pretty rare so hoping for a triple threat is pretty unrealistic.

That’s all I’m asking for.  Some realistic expectations.  I don’t think I’m Bar Refaeli but I’m also not contacting someone that looks like David Beckham.  There’s being bold and having courage to contact someone, which I fully support.   And then there’s being completely out of your league.  This is not determined just on looks but intelligence, morals, and interests.  Opposites do attract but there’s at least something that holds a common bond.  So to improve your chances and your self esteem, a good rule is to list three things about the person you like or interests you (besides thinking they’re hot and wanting to bang them) before you make contact or respond.

So if you ever find yourself picking the lesser of two, three, or four evils, do nothing.  Don’t settle!  Someone good for you is out there and if not online then somewhere.  Adjust your expectations of yourself and others and the dating process gets better.  I’ve recently done this for myself and I am actually talking to a few guys with potential.  Now at least I’m having conversations and going on dates with people that I actually want to meet.  If it goes horribly wrong then at least my readers have something to laugh about.

To everyone celebrating Passover, Easter, and Holi- Cheers!  To staying away from the cliff and finding someone you can fuck and marry!  Happy Holidays!

-Bev

Stalking Is The New Black

Stalking is the new black.  Everyone’s doing it!  Why?  Because it’s extremely convenient thanks to the Internet.  Between websites like Facebook, Google, Linked In, and dating sites, a total stranger can know intimate details about your life.

The web allows us to get information at the touch of a button, which has many benefits.  It’s really helpful for employment, for example.  Whether it’s applying for a job online, posting your resume or CV on a site, or using a contact’s profile to find out their job history, interests, and some personal background.  If you are savvy you can apply this knowledge to find common ground and use that in your communication or approach.  The same can be said for dating.  Let’s say your friend wants to set you up or you are talking to someone of interest online, you can look that person up immediately by going to Facebook or Google.  Having a little bit more insight about a person is never a bad idea and eases your nerves and hesitation.

But on the flip side, this instant access is a lazy stalker’s dream.  Stalking used to involve intelligence, motivation, preparation, and movement of some sort.  Now, any Tom, Dick, or Harry within reach of a computer can find information about your family, location, employment, friends, interests, and the list goes on.  Put in the wrong hands this can be very dangerous as well as a pain in the ass.  Unfortunately I have had the pleasure of dealing with a semi-stalker.

I received a Facebook message from some guy who knew two random people I am “friends” with on the site.  I’m not sure if he thought I was blind or stupid but he pointed out that we had two friends in common.  I am a nice person so I answered but the only appropriate response I could think of was, “Cool”.  After about 10 minutes I get another message, “You’re really beautiful.  Do you have a boyfriend?”  I figured I’m single and this isn’t SO different from online dating so I told him I was not dating at the moment.  BIG MISTAKE.  He proceeded to ask when we were going to go on a date.  One thing I learned from social work is that you need to set boundaries and expectations right away in any relationship.  So I replied that I am single but not looking for anything serious.  He said of course but then proceeded to joke about how he wanted to marry me, more than once.  It made me a little uncomfortable but I figured he was just joking.

His picture was a headshot so I wanted to see what he really looked like.  I went to his profile but it was blocked.  I “friended” him and he would not accept.  I’m thinking why does some guy who wants to date me not want me to see what he looks like?  Maybe because someone who asks you out over Facebook is usually a creep.  But, as I pointed out in an earlier post about men’s low self esteem, He’s Just Not That Into You…Or Himself, he was just extremely insecure.  He told me how he was a few pounds bigger than his picture and didn’t want me to see him until he lost weight, so he wanted to wait for two weeks.  Was this guy taking Jack’s magic beans?  You’re still going to be heavier in two weeks.  His irrational thinking on top of his creepiness should have deterred me but I was lonely and trying to be open minded.  Also, he owned a chain of well-known supermarkets, that will remain nameless, and said he worked on the corporate end.  I figured he has a good job, isn’t completely poor which was different for me, and maybe his pictures were worse than he was in person.  So we decided to hang out as friends so there was no pressure.

The meet up was very relaxed and we just talked, had a beer, and other herbal refreshments.  At first he seemed funny but then he began to brag about how much money he had and his apartment on the Upper West side and then all of a sudden got really intense and he started to cry.  I don’t mean a tear, like a full fledge meltdown.  Being a social worker, I am always apt to try and help someone through a tough time so I sat and spoke to him for hours about his life problems.  He went on about how much he loves his mother and misses her and no girl will ever live up to her (she’s still alive), how he has no friends, trust issues, and is extremely sensitive…everything you want to share with someone you just met.  He was able to self soothe and calm down as I checked my watch repeatedly.  I broke up the party and said I had to go and he asked if I wanted to hang out again.  I wasn’t feeling this guy but he obviously didn’t deal well with rejection and I didn’t want to do that to him or unleash a psychopath on myself.  I was upfront and told him I would go but I didn’t think our relationship could go beyond a friendship and he said he’d be happy to have another friend.  Maybe since he didn’t have any friends he didn’t know what that meant.

A few weeks later, I was extremely stressed and busy as I was producing a pilot.  I would receive a text everyday from him, some disturbing message like “Hey Wifey”, “Can you get me a job?” (what happened to your fancy apartment and supermarket chain), and “I really wish I was with you right now”.  I hung out with him that weekend to get him off my back.  We went to dinner and I paid for my portion and didn’t hold his hand or kiss him when he made those attempts.  I’m not sure how I could have been more clear that I was not interested.  I was home and in bed at 11:00 PM on a Saturday night.  That’s obviously not the sign of a great date (if that’s what he thought it was).  I didn’t contact him after that since we were getting close to the shooting date.  He would hound me every day through Facebook, Text, Email, et cetera and I didn’t get back to him immediately because I was working 24/7.  I then get a ridiculous email from him saying, “You are such a tease.  You’re just like every other Jappy girl in New York City”.  Instead of just ignoring him and leaving it, I felt I had to defend myself.

A)     I am not a Jap.

B)    I don’t live in New York City.

C)    I could not have been more straight-forward about only wanting to be friends.

I explained to him that I don’t have time right now for anyone including myself.  I was working like crazy and barely had slept.  And then pointed out that if he was a friend or ever wanted to be in a relationship then he had to support people in their work.  This was my dream becoming a reality and some guy who I met on Facebook a week before was not going to change that.  He then said, “Well I thought I was part of that dream.  You lead me on so much”.  WOW.  How could you be part of my dream?  I just met you, explicitly said that I was not looking for a relationship, and warded off attempts to become intimate.  Look for the signs buddy.  They were all there.  Sorry you don’t have a job and have some major ADHD along with a debilitating emotional problem.

But I took the high road and said I was sorry he felt that way but I did nothing wrong and he can’t be mad at me for concentrating on work.  He then pointed out that I went out a few nights before.  That’s when it got a little freaky.  Someone had posted pictures from a birthday I went to a few weeks earlier and since he was stalking my profile he immediately assumed I had gone out and was just avoiding him.  He had good foresight but that was not the case at the moment.  He then threatened to hurt himself because of people like me.  Called me a bunch of names including a “harlot” and deactivated his account.  About a week later I get a message from him being like, “Hey what’s up Wifey?”.  I did not respond.  He continued to contact me until a month later FINALLY getting the hint.

I am starting to see why Sting and The Police wrote so many songs about stalkers.  I’ll Be Watching You and Don’t Stand So Close To Me have a whole new meaning.  Like Hansel, I don’t really listen to Sting’s music but the fact that he understands my experience, I respect him.  I’d like to see the relationship between Sting fans and the occurrence of restraining orders filed against them.  My bet is they would have a positive relationship.

Lesson learned.  Never again will I befriend or meet someone in person from Facebook unless I knew he/she prior to the Friend request.  Or date someone that wants to marry their mother.  Either way I’m done dealing with psychos.

Maybe if Supermarket Boy been an old school stalker he wouldn’t have the weight problem that may have caused the extreme emotional issues.  He was going to be a psycho either way but at least he could have been a healthy and fit psycho.  Just because you are a creep doesn’t mean you have to totally give up!  Sidenote: He wore sweatpants the first time I met him.

In the spirit of stalking, I need to head into the city since one of my favorite actresses is in the same part of Mexico.  Dee Reynolds, I’m coming for ya!  But don’t worry, I’m an active and harmless stalker.  I’ll just follow you, buy you drinks and take your picture…the honorable way of stalking.

-Bev

Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover…Unless It’s “Mein Kampf”

We’re always told, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” and I’m here to tell you to judge it.  Yes, when you are literally talking about a book maybe that advice applies but when referring to people the proverb doesn’t quite hold water.  The famous phrase isn’t “Love at first good conversation” for a reason.  As shallow as it sounds, attraction is the initial driving force in a relationship.  I’m not saying someone’s personality can’t help or be a deal breaker, but looks are definitely important, especially in the beginning.

A picture says a thousand words and they’re not all necessarily benevolent.  There is a creep factor that seems to seep through pictures if you are in fact a creep.  It’s this little thing we like to call intuition.  If someone looks off, they most likely are off.  However, I grew up being told to give people chances regardless of looks because attraction is something that can develop.  Yes, maybe if you were friends first or met in person, but online it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I have already given a few examples of my tumultuous relationship with dating, but here’s another one that supports my argument:

For this round of online dating I have really been trying to find someone with similar interests and what can be perceived as a good personality (from the little information you have on a website) and a good match for me.  This guy contacted me and my first reaction to his pictures was a weird feeling in my gut.  I decided that I needed to be open minded and look at the whole profile and to my surprise I was actually laughing out loud.  *Side note: If you can make me laugh, it’s pretty much a guarantee I’ll give you a shot.*  I replied and we had some good banter back and forth.  Some questionable areas of conversation arose about family and upbringing.  The only person he has a relationship with is his Dad and he moved around his whole life (a ton in recent years) so he did not have a huge family or social circle.  That should have been my second red flag after my gut reaction.

Despite the fact that my creep alarm was on high alert, I agreed to meet him.  My rationalization was that I am looking for a relationship so being open to different people and situations is part of the deal.  Much to my dismay, the date didn’t go well from the very beginning.

I was pulling up to the restaurant in my car trying to find parking when I saw this really short guy flipping his hair, like Justin Beiber, in a full Adidas sweatsuit and what looked like K Swiss sneakers.  I, of course, knew this was my date and again my stomach sank a little.  I found parking and walked up to him as he kept doing the hair flip.  As he turned toward me, it was like I was staring at the poster child for the Aryan race with what appeared to be a boil on his face the size of a walnut.  Awesome.  Off to another great start!

So we sit down to dinner in an overly crowded but, thankfully, dimly lit area of the restaurant.  For a few minutes we did have a good conversation and some laughs (if a third party came along they would think we were having a great date).  We started talking about holidays with the family and how he had missed that growing up.  I actually felt bad and thought maybe he was a good person with a bad sense of style and skin problems.  Wrong, I began to talk about one of my family’s Passover seders when he asked what a seder was.  I explained that I’m Jewish and on Passover we have a seder and gave him a quick history behind it.  He then replied, “Oh you’re Jewish?”.  After that things went downhill.  I kept staring at the boil as he spoke of his family roots.  Immediately after I declared my Jew status, he informed me that his grandparents were most likely Nazis in Germany, and said this while smiling.  The creep vibe started to spread through out my body as the conversation spiraled to a crashing stop.  I thought, am I really desperate enough to be taking dates with Hitler Youth?

Love may be blind but unfortunately so is desperation. All the signs were there to begin with.  Had I just trusted my intuition, I could have avoided this confusing/alarming date with the boiled faced anti-semite.  He had the appearance of a German Men’s Junior soccer player and the essence of a rapist.  Combine that with the Nazi ancestry and I was pretty much in hell.  I now have a rule that if I have a gag reflex to your picture, for any reason, I’m moving onto the next contestant.

Dating should be mostly fun and giving everyone under the sun a chance does not do you any good.  It’s admirable to not be shallow or materialistic but I rather not have to deal with a neo Nazi with a penchant for nomadic living.  I’m starting to theorize that his moving around was not a coincidence!  Let’s just say the FBI’s most wanted list now has more meaning in my life.

Basically, if the picture is not up to par then the person probably isn’t either.  It’s good to take pride in how you look and present yourself, even in a profile.  It says a lot about you and is a good way to separate the possible mates from the improbable.  Plus if you’re attracted from just a picture and profile…that’s not a bad sign.  Use caution when: A person has only one picture that is a self pic, far away shots, mug shots (or anything resembling), or has a picture that causes a physical reaction.  Those are warning signs to stay away.  Ignoring them does not make you a better person and will most likely involve an awkward or uncomfortable situation that leaves you right where you started.  Maybe a little bit more disturbed but still single and looking.

So the decision is up to you.  Judge a book by it’s cover or don’t.  But ask yourself this, do you really want to be the face on the milk carton?

Until the next charmer,

Bev

He’s Just Not That Into Himself…A Guide to Men’s Overcompensation

There is a misconception that women are the insecure gender. Yes, girls criticize themselves and are socialized to believe if we’re not supermodels then we’re not attractive or perfect just the way we are. But what about men? No one ever discusses the insecurities that plague men because if a guy shows weakness he’s looked down upon or called a pussy. By no means do I want a guy who is crying all the time but being in touch with your feelings is not a bad thing! How can you be secure if you are not honest with how you feel about yourself?  The answer is NOT all men are secure.

I didn’t conduct an experiment with a control group but my exposure to men has lead me to this conclusion.  Since I began online dating again, I’ve noticed that most of the guys I am talking to have something in common, low self esteem.  However, it would not appear that way to the naked eye.  Many come off as cocky and overcompensate whether it’s how much money they have or how far along in their career they believe they are.  But it’s those little comments and gestures that blow their poker face.

Let me give you a clear example:

I was talking to this guy, we’ll call him Peter Griffin (explanation to follow), and he immediately asked me if I liked his pictures.  Peter had actually contacted me on another site a few years back and used the same pictures so I knew these were not recent.  There was the first hint of deception.  The old picture.  This will probably come up in every post but, come on, if you don’t look like your picture then don’t post it!  Then he asked me if I look like my pictures.  He pressed this topic for a while as I reassured him I wasn’t a 56 year old man pleasuring himself at the public library computer.  He kept talking about how we were both really good looking people (and pointed out how people tell him he’s handsome all the time).  He then pat himself on the back for his sexual prowess.  Peter noted quite a few times how long he could go for yet he hadn’t asked for my name yet.  I agreed to go out with him because he lives close and has a Labradoodle (as do I).  I thought, if nothing else, I would have another friend at the dog park.

The date.  Peter Griffin took me to a cafe that was cute but more so for meeting an old friend for coffee.  This was Saturday night and the nicest meal they had on the menu was a burger and fries.  But he was classy, he brought champagne, Korbel, and had it chilling for my arrival.  As I expected, he did not look like his pictures.  Coincidently his first question was, “So, do I look like my pics?”.  What am I supposed to say?  No, you have less hair, are 50 pounds heavier, and might be batting for the other team.  Then he went on to tell me about his new exercise regimen and low carb diet (he offered me some dieting tips…yup), what he had for lunch, what he has for lunch on a regular work day, and how he already feels lighter and more energetic.  Peter didn’t forget to mention the amazing apartment he has and how much money it costs, the new cars he gets every year (from a Hassidic family in Brooklyn?), and how he’s a “musician”.  FYI, owning a guitar and singing along with the radio does not make you a musician.

I hate goodbyes but this one I was looking forward to.  As we’re walking out he offers to drive me to my apartment since he thoughtfully picked a place that was closer to his apartment.  Unfortunately I don’t live in a city that you can just hail a cab so I decided to take him up on his offer…among other things.  He said he had to go into his apartment to get his keys.  He showed off his mediocre apartment, okay the view was amazing but this was nothing compared to what he made it seem.  He kept trying to show me his room and his king sized bed.  As deeply impressed as I was by his ability to furnish an apartment, I wasn’t that interested and wanted to get home.  I asked to use the bathroom and when I came out he called to me from his bedroom.  I walked in to find him laying on his bed naked (Castanza portrait-esq).  I was speechless, not because of his ballsy assumption that I’d want to have sex with him but that he looked so much like Peter Griffin from that episode of Family Guy where Peter’s bones disintegrate and he’s just a huge blob of fat.  I swear, the resemblance was uncanny!  He started to stretch and flex his leg to show off his assets.  He actually said, “Come feel.  I’m all muscle” and I couldn’t help but think “Under which layer of skin and fat?”.  I have nothing against overweight people but the way this guy spoke of himself you would think you were on a date with David Beckham, not the complete opposite.  As much as I enjoy awkward moments, this one needed to end.

But the journey continued.  I asked if he minded taking me home because I wasn’t feeling well, AKA was nauseous from the mental image of his naked body ingrained in my memory.  So he gets his clothes and brings them to the bathroom to dress (because being naked was ok but seeing him dress was off limits).  Then he was telling me how handy he is around the apartment and how he installed everything himself.  I inquired about the ceiling fan that was hanging from a wire and was one door slam away from crashing to the ground.  He conveniently didn’t work on that one. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, we get to the car and he puts on Nickelback and starts belting out “Never made it as a wise man, couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing”.  I was embarrassed for him.  It was mostly his pride in liking bands like Nickelback and knowing every lyric to the songs as well as the key changes.  It didn’t stop there- he informed me that he just learned how to play this gem on the guitar!  Because hearing you play it will make it sound better, right?

Peter Griffin was just a walking contradiction. This guy had cajones!  Not only did he strip naked and try to seduce me but I was able to call him out on every lie and exaggeration that came out of his mouth.  To me he screamed insecure!  In an attempt to overcompensate for his shortcomings he came off as self conscious of his appearance, his finances, his masculinity, sexual capacity, and his musical ability (or lack there of).  Note that this behavior is typical for people with low self esteem.  Masking it with a facade only goes so far.  Your true nature will always show as it did in the Family Guy episode with the real Peter Griffin and now with the fake Peter Griffin, case in point.

To the nervous daters out there, you are not alone.  No one is completely secure but the more you confront these insecurities the better chance you have of overcoming them.  Don’t let these over confident personalities fool you.  Just because issues may not be visible right away doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Like a braless girl in a see through shirt, you might be covered in fabric but we can still see your nipples.

Do: Live a naked life.  Be honest with yourself and your feelings.

Don’t: Actually get naked…especially as a surprise after the first date.  That’s one jack we don’t need popping out of the box.

A toast to living naked because eventually you will have to strip and bare all.

Stay Tuned!

-Bev

Online Blind Dating: Adding Insult to Injury

What happens when a dating site blocks all pictures?  CHAOS!!!  And probably a major decline in traffic.  Let’s be honest.  Most people on dating websites are there to find people they’re attracted to, at least initially.  The profile serves as a supplement but many users don’t even take a glimpse at your efforts to be witty, sexy, and attractive through the written word.  Recently, one of these dating sites implemented a “Crazy Blind Dating” app and blocked all pictures for a whole day.  People went nuts and were writing really hostile statuses while probably 1% of the site was ok with it.  Newsflash- That 1% probably never shows a picture.  Personally, I think they should implement a day when you HAVE to show a picture…and one that’s not a decade old. My assumption is that this new app is not a huge hit and someone is probably jobless.

Why would you choose to go on a blind date when you can see what they look like?  Blind dates served a purpose when you were unable to show a picture but we’re not in 1989 or in North Korea.  Dating online is awkward enough, I don’t think it needs blind dating to add another element of surprise.  And from personal experience, they are usually shocking and not in a good way.

My friends and parents (ahem MOTHER) try to set me up all the time.  My grandma is the worst though.  She always tries to set me up with an orthodox cousin at some family function.  Brings a new meaning to “keeping it in the family”.  Flattered, but not interested.  I did however go on a few blind dates that support my stance on the subject.

My top three blind date stories:

1.  I was set up with a friend of a friend’s brother because we were both single in New York.  Usually that is a starting off point for commonalities but that’s all the information I got about him besides his age and location.  We were off to a great stop, but I agreed to go because hey, you never know!  Plus I figured my friend knows me enough to judge if I’d be a good fit with someone.  So, I got to the bar early and got a bar table.  All of a sudden a surge of men came in, one better looking than the next.  Some would glance at me and I’d get excited but they would either walk by or wave to someone they know.  Then a short potbelly guy with an acid washed shirt and fleece vest walks in and my stomach sank.  I was thinking, “Please don’t be my date, please don’t be my date”.  Then I hear, “Bev?”.  Despite every instinct I had to walk out, I stayed and gave him a chance.  Maybe he had a really good personality or was really funny?  Nope, the only thing good about him was his appetite.  I had to sit through an entire dinner with him, having only ordered a salad while he ordered the left side of the menu.  When the check comes I always offer to pay but before I had the chance to he asked if we could split it.  Then the check came back and there were $3.00 to split.  He pocketed the $2.00 and was like, “Here you want this?” and slid the dollar over to me.  Thanks for your generosity but you definitely need that more than I do.  Needless to say, we never spoke again.

2.  I get a call from my Mom and had no idea what I was getting myself into by picking up the phone.  She was standing with her friend’s son and his fiance and asked me in front of them if I wanted to get set up with the girl’s brother.  I got the whole pitch and got cornered into saying yes.  The girl was standing next to my mother describing her brother and could probably hear our phone conversation.  I couldn’t say no!  So I agree to meet him and again go to a bar to meet.  I had a hard day so needed a drink before he came.  When he showed up he said hi and then went straight to the bar.  Despite noticing my empty glass he did not offer to order me a drink.  Strike 1.  Then he sits down and I immediately notice his wandering eye (maybe he didn’t notice the empty glass after all).  It might have been nice to have mentioned that minor detail.  I had no idea where he was looking the entire time.  What was more off putting was that he was cocky and had an attitude.  Strike 2.  He had his phone out the entire time and was texting.  Then after he finished his drink (which was probably 10 minutes later) he picks his phone up- it didn’t ring or buzz- and tells me he has to leave for a work emergency.  Before I could get my coat on and look up he was halfway across the street running like his ass was on fire.  Strike 3!!

3.  The Ukrainian.  This was right after I had a bad break up with someone I had dated from Jdate.  So I immediately went back online to try and get my mind off of him by dating right away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying enough attention to who I was actually agreeing to meet.  With the Ukrainian, there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore and they bit me in the ass.  First, he barely wrote anything in his two emails and had a sparse profile.  Second, he lived with his parents in Brooklyn (at age 29).  Third, his picture was about 500 feet away standing next to an American Flag pole.  That should have deterred me off the bat.  But I go to meet him outside Barnes and Noble in Union Square and see a guy with a striking resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies and, of course, that was my date.  I had that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach but I couldn’t just leave him there so I went and introduced myself.  We decided to go to a bar as opposed to dinner.  I could not understand a word he was saying because he spoke broken English with a thick Ukrainian accent.  So the conversation was a lot of “sorry what?” and dead silence.  The bar was loud and crowded which didn’t help.  What I could tell was that we had nothing in common and a lack of conversation.  We get to the bar and I order a Kettle One and club soda.  He goes, “Thank god, I thought you were going to order vodka”.  That was my cue to go.

I saved the Ukrainian for last because that was the closest thing to an online blind date.  It was the worst date I’ve ever had and probably will ever have.  Now thinking back, that flagpole picture was probably when he literally got off the boat to Ellis Island.  If that was any indicator of what online blind dates would be like, then count me out.

Lesson learned: Photos, a profile, and an email are barely enough to know someone before a regular date.  Taking the picture away only lessens the chance that you will have a successful meeting.

If you are into uncomfortable situations then by all means try the Crazy Blind Dating app.  I prefer to keep the element of surprise strictly to presents…you can always return and exchange.  What I can’t get back is my time and the permanent image of Urkainian Sloth out of my head.

Thank you blind dates for the memories…and the nightmares.

-Bev

Bad Dates Come and Go…But Messages Are Forever!

  

Yes, this message is real.  And no, I did not answer.

Along with online dating comes online communicating.  When you are in a bar, men are less likely to come up and try some cheesy pick up line or tell you exactly what’s on their mind.  But online, all caution is thrown to the wind.

The above message is only one of the many disturbing emails I have gotten.  Where do I start?  Does any guy seriously think that a girl is going to swoon over a proposal to be a fuck buddy, “I mean no disrespect”.  That’s ironic because your assumption that I would be interested in that is pretty disrespectful.  Luckily I don’t care and have a good sense of humor.  But be warned men…there is that “REPORT” button and there are people not afraid to use it.

I actually found this to be one of the funniest emails I have ever gotten.  As mentioned yesterday, this is the Black Swedish Sex Addict.  The only reason I mention race is because until recently a black guy in Sweden was about as common as Polio (post 1962).  When I think Scandinavian I picture a giant white guy with blond hair and blue eyes listening to bad techno (is there even good techno?).  So that caught me off guard initially.  But as I read on it only got better!

Boy does this guy have a way with words.  Who wouldn’t want to kick it and have crazy times in and out of bed with a friend with benefit?  Is there only one?  Obviously not because I had already laughed and hadn’t even gotten to his description.  Here’s where he put the hook in, “I’m fun, hung, and love to laugh”.  Now I feel better.  Because I wasn’t sure if I was going to go ahead and claim my benefit if he wasn’t hung.  But then he throws me a curveball, “he doesn’t like to beat under the bush”.  Was that a sexual innuendo?  I don’t know if he was trying to be witty or is just kind of stupid. I’m going to err on the side of caution and go with dumb but let’s also add weird to the list!  How did he manage to go from talking about sex and his penis to Scandinavian pastries???  Again, sexual innuendo?  I guess he was coming with guns fully loaded.  He had one chance and gave it all he got.

As disturbing and funny as this email is, you can tell this guy is not a dick.  He at least has the courtesy to be upfront with what he wants.  He’s also European so I’m attributing some of the weirdness to his culture.  I’ve gotten emails that are just like, “You’re hot.  Let’s get a hotel room now!” or “Honestly, do you like small penises?”.  He at least had a story, some personality, and actually seemed genuine.  My hat is off to you Black Swedish Sex Addict.  You managed to do something creepy in the most honest and nicest way possible.  I still don’t want to hook up with you but I have a little more respect for you.

Please tell me that other people get just as ridiculous emails?  I would love to hear about them!

Silver lining: At least he didn’t ask If I wanted some Negerbollar which translates to Negro balls.  (It’s a Swedish pastry…and actually goes by the more derogatory name in Sweden.  Here’s a link so you can be reassured I’m not a racist: http://superblog2.blogspot.com/2005/01/nazi-chocolate-balls.html )

All this kinky pastry talk has gotten me hungry.  Going to find myself some chocolate balls.  Maybe I should have contacted him after all.

Until tomorrow.

-The Big Baller Bev

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Sexual Predators

Just when you thought speed dating was the new awful trend along comes online dating!  What happened to the days when you could meet people at a store, on the street, through work, or getting groceries?  It’s virtually non existent.  Thanks to the digital age, there is hardly human interaction besides hiding behind a computer to “meet” someone.  So in an effort to not be totally isolated, I have tried online dating to put myself out there and be “social”.

I know that online dating has worked for many people, but for me it is so forced!  Sitting through unbearable meals with embarrassing guys, having your date show up and he’s 100 pounds heavier than his picture, and listening to someone talk about themselves for 2 hours is painful.  Dating wrong guy after wrong guy each week is like giving yourself a little bit of poison on a daily basis.  Eventually you will build a tolerance and eventually I’ll meet the right guy.  Or so people say!  Many people I know, including one of my best friends, have met their partners on sites like Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid (let’s be honest…you’re only using E-Harmony if you’re desperate) so it does work.  I may be one to judge initially, but I’ll still always give things a try. So not only have I given online dating one chance, but over the past few years a bunch of chances (for extended periods of time).  The only things you can pretty much rely on from these sites are:

1.  Hot guys will be on there…but they most likely will not contact you.  If you contact them they are unlikely to respond. (This is where the initial blow to your ego comes into play)

2.  Good news!  People will always view your profile and message you.  Bad news: Most of  them are the guys you don’t want to date (socially awkward, unattractive, and boring).

3.  However, there are no worries about feeling unattractive because there’s always that sexual deviant out there who wants to bang you…and will let you know right off the bat.  You might as well go on Meganslaw.com and find a sex offender.  At least they’re registered.

So my experience hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine and it hasn’t been insanely awful either.  I seriously dated one person from a dating site years ago.  He turned out to be a narcissistic disgusting excuse for a human being.  I can say this because he told me he wished his ex girlfriend (from 10 years earlier) was dead so he didn’t have to think about her.  This was right after he broke up with me and told me that breaking up with me wasn’t the worst part of his day.  Finding out his ex had sex was.  Some men are totally oblivious, insensitive, and just outright stupid!  And recently I’ve been encountering a lot of them!

Unfortunately men and women are wired differently so we already have that against us.  How are we supposed to meet decent people out there?!  My answer is luck. It’s a numbers game and getting yourself out there in anyway you can increases your chances.  As much as I am not thrilled about meeting people on websites, you never know who you are going to meet.  Plus I have gotten a lot of great stories from my traumatic yet hysterical dates!

Stay tuned for some ridiculous dating disasters!  Sneak preview: A black swedish sex addict, an off the boat Ukrainian…literally…I met him at Ellis Island, a guy with a wandering eye (where do you look?), a Facebook stalker, and more!

Let’s hear some of your frustrations and stories?  I know I’m not the only one out there experiencing this!

Forever making lemons into Limoncello.  Because after this crap who doesn’t need a drink!

Bottoms up!

-Bev