Queen of Awkward Moments

Like the popular section in magazines, who wore awkward best?  This is a really hard call since there are so many similarities: similar hideous floral dresses, equally horrible haircuts, and the failed attempt to smile/look happy.  They both perfectly capture the look of discomfort that let everyone know how awkward you felt at that age.  It’s safe to say that this contest has no winner but I definitely lose since one of these pictures is me.

The upside to being awkward at a young age is that it prepares you for the plethora of awkward moments that are bound to come through out life.  Go West might be the “King of Wishful Thinking” but I’m the Queen of Awkward Moments.

Last Saturday was a perfect example.  I woke up at 5:00 AM to the sound of pounding on my wall.  I got up to see what the hell was going on and was displeased to discover my roommate having hardcore sex in the living room, whipped cream and all.  As I turned on the lights we both screamed and I ran back to my room disgusted and weirdly kind of hungry.

I laid there for the rest of the morning pissed off and trying to figure out what I could say.  Plenty of aggressive and angry digs came to mind but as time went on I realized that I had to be assertive and just make the best of the situation. I finally decided to come out from hiding and my roommate was cooking in the kitchen.  I was mustering up the courage to give the speech I had been working on for the past 5 hours when my roommate asked if we could pretend like nothing happened and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.  That seemed a lot easier than going into my courtesy manifesto, so I let it go.

I decided exercising would be a great way to start fresh so I got dressed and went to the gym.  I was running on the treadmill listening to my exercise mix filled with rap, hip hop, and mash ups that make you move.  I don’t dance on the treadmill but when a song I really like comes on I sometimes run to the beat.  Unfortunately as I got really into “Blurred Lines” I lost my footing and went down on the treadmill like a sack of potatoes on a conveyer belt. I slammed into the machine behind me at full force and the entire gym got silent and three employees darted towards me.  Everyone wanted to make sure I was ok but the attention was like adding insult to injury at that point.  I didn’t need a spotlight on my moment of embarrassment but there was no one working the lights.  I assured them that I was fine, gathered my things, and went home.  I had no broken bones, my ipod was working so there was nothing really damaged besides my ego.  I was used to that by now.

The day dragged on and I had a busy night in the city.  I had been MIA for some time and decided to jump back into my social life head first.  I had been sick for a while and hadn’t gone out but then I got used to staying in, which was a cycle I was about to break.  I got a reminder about a few events people posted on Facebook and realized that a friend, maybe acquaintance would be a better word, I hadn’t seen in years was having a birthday party in the city.  I was mapping out my whole night and was feeling good about the social progress I was making. The gym and roommate sex incidents from earlier were fading away and I had hopes that the day would end a lot better than it had started.

I arrived at the bar of the estranged friend and could not find anyone I knew.  As I headed towards that back I realized there was another back room where the party was probably taking place.  As I entered, I saw my friend along with his immediate and extended family having dinner.  When I made eye contact with him he had a look of shock on his face and his family just looked confused.  It was too late to pretend I didn’t see him and walk out, so I had to make a grand entrance.  I put a smile on my face and went and gave him a big hug.  He actually said, “Wow Bev, haven’t seen you in years.  Wasn’t expecting you.  Good to see you.” It was like I had run into him at a random bar.  Thanks for the comforting words and letting me know I was accidentally invited!  I had to sit there for an hour while his family interviewed me.  I was mortified.  It was like being on a bad first date.  Unwelcoming questions, checking your watch to see if you stayed an acceptable amount of time, and just a feeling of discomfort that spreads through out your body.  Finally after an hour I said I had to go to another birthday party and hugged him goodbye.  His mother was so sweet and gave me a hug and went to give me a kiss on the cheek but got me smack on the lips instead.  As if the situation wasn’t embarrassing enough.  Red faced and in a hurry, I left the bar.

I grabbed a cab to go to the next event on my list and the driver actually looked into the rearview mirror and asked with concern, “Are you ok”?  I was still trying to process what had just happened but mumbled, “Yeah.  East Village please.”  Onto the next circus.

I arrived at my destination and found myself surrounded by nameless bars in the hipster abyss of Alphabet City.  Why was it so cool to have a bar that doesn’t put the name anywhere in sight?  I walked back and forth down the block several times.  I gave up and decided that the bar on the corner seemed the most likely to hold a party, so I walked in and everyone looked at me like I had 7 heads.  When I stopped and took a look around I realized that I was crashing not only an engagement party but a toast the parents were giving to the happy couple.  I apologized profusely, probably making it worse, and then ran out of the bar.  I tried the tiny bar next door and of course that was where my friend’s party was.  I saw someone I knew as I walked in and they said, “There you are!  I saw you outside passing the bar like 10 times but then you disappeared.”  Thanks for the heads up! It was really good to see her and my friend, the birthday girl, but she was bouncing around the bar making the rounds.  I went to go to the bathroom and as I was crossing the bar, a group of girls entered and I was trapped.  It turns out it was all the girls I went to camp with when I was younger.  No one was rude but there also wasn’t a steady flow of conversation.  After the “Hi! How are you’s” I had nothing to say. It was a lot of standing there saying “Yeah…so” and then dead silence until the other person would make up an excuse to get out of the situation.  Why am I so terrible at small talk?  I could have just said,”I have to go to the bathroom.  It was good seeing you”, but no.  I had to be the awkward person that just stands there.  I finally got a hold of the birthday girl and got a chance to talk to her.  Her new work friend cornered me and asked if I would go have a cigarette with her.  I took this as my chance to bounce so I said yes.  I said my goodbyes to the birthday girl and headed out with her coworker.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

It was freezing outside.  She was blowing smoke in my face as she began the story of her new found love affair with an orthodox Jewish colleague from Miami.  I didn’t know this girl’s name but I did know that she was horny, scared of a commitment, and wanted advice on how to proceed.  Before I could come up with some sort of answer she hugged me and asked if we could be best friends.  I didn’t answer.  As I stood there while this girl was hugging me to the point of suffocation, a drunk girl and her friends walk by and she says, “OMG!  You guys are the cutest couple ever!”.  And on that note I broke up the pow wow, got a cab, and headed home.

I was happy to be in the social scene again, but when I was MIA I didn’t have to deal with these weird people or awkward moments. No wonder I didn’t go out for so long.  I wasn’t expecting to have the best night of my life but I also wasn’t expecting the most awkward one either.  I guess when I come back, I really come back. I was a bit tipsy and decided to get Burger King as a consolation prize.  I was scarfing down BK in the elevator when the door opened. I went to step out and slammed into my roommate and partner in sex who were trying to get in. There was just staring and a look of disgust on their faces.  With a full mouth I said, “Excuse me”, pushed through them, and proudly walked towards my apartment.  When I reached my door I couldn’t find my keys.  Fuck! Obviously I locked them in the apartment.  I attempted to break in using a credit card when my neighbor, with a disapproving look, found me drunk and struggling.  My credit card broke in half and I wound up sleeping on my strange neighbor’s couch instead of swallowing my pride and calling my roommate.  I had to listen to Enya the whole night and woke up to him and his boyfriend staring at me on the couch.

After the creepy wake up call I decided to try my luck at my apartment.  I pounded on the door and a grumpy roommate opened the door and had the balls to tell me I was being rude!  I was so tired and embarrassed from the past 24 hours that I just walked straight into my room, fell face first into bed, and slept for 8 hours.

I felt revived after my nap. But then the events from the day before began to replay in my head.  I had a feeling of embarrassment in my gut that wouldn’t go away.  I opened a drawer and found my fifth grade picture and it weirdly made me feel better.  It was reassuring in the sense that if I could make it through that bout of awkwardness then I can recover from anything.  It is surprising how time can heal all wounds and by the next morning I felt so much better.

But as sure as the sun rises, more awkward moments will come my way and I will think, “Holy shit.  What is wrong with me?”  But I will look back at that picture and reflect on my past embarrassing moments and realize it’s not that bad and I will come out even stronger.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my resilience and ability to make the best of awkward situations.  And hey, they do make great stories.  Until the next post!

Happy Holidays!

-Bev

Johnny Be Bad…And Stupid.

WARNING: OVERSIZED LOAD AND EGO.  THIS IMAGE MAY CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE.

Who couldn’t resist a charmer like Johnny?  With his ripped body, nut hugger tighty whities, and orange complexion it’s a wonder he’s 44 years old on a dating site.  Not only does this Adonis have style, he has a killer personality and is ultra smooth with the ladies.

Yesterday I saw the notification that I had a message waiting from an admirer.  I went to find out what this Don Juan wrote me.  He certainly caught my attention.

If that doesn’t whisk a girl off her feet I don’t know what does.  Oh wait, I do…anything else!  I had to see what this guy was about.  I checked out his profile and this message became even more ridiculous when I did some reconnaissance.

He likes monkeys, has great personal hygiene, and has one interest…tennis.  I’m sure he almost went pro with that body and personality.  Opportunities like this don’t come along very often so I made sure to take full advantage.  I responded in the above message correspondence.  I couldn’t have wished for a better response (below).

He responded, “You have extra mayo”.  I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean but by my powers of deduction I assume he was hungry?  His primitive nature was really attractive but I think a compatible mate might be a Chimp.  The Chimp may be smarter but at least they’re on the same playing field.  Maybe the monkey in the picture was his ex?  I had my fun with him, but he was getting annoying and I am sure he was harassing others as well so I reported him.  About an hour later I received this:

Is this Neanderthal serious?  Did he really think a backhanded compliment was the best way to court a woman?  Then on top of that, did he think adding insulting comments to try to make her feel self conscious and insecure was going to seal the deal?  Newsflash genius: you just became the story that every girl will publicize as the worst attempt at dating.

I know I’m not the first and certainly not the last girl who will encounter this beast.  I just wonder if anyone ever took the bait?  My guess is no.  But what puzzles me the most is why anyone would think that this approach would be a good idea.  I’ll give him one thing.  He did engage me but mostly because I needed new material for a blog that he has no idea I’m writing.  Luckily I’m comfortable with myself but to other women who are on these sites, that can cause a serious case of low self esteem.  And to that I say F*CK this guy.

This reminds me once again of my previous blog about men’s overcompensation and low self esteem, “He’s Just Not That Into Himself: A Guide To Men’s Overcompensation”.  Clearly this guy has a screw loose among other things.  His attempt to knock women down a peg is so that someone could be on his level.  Unfortunately it would take a thousand pegs for anyone to be close.  People like Johnny- those with a horrible personality, no respect for themselves (first picture featured), low IQ (who in their 40’s can’t spell sandwich), and no interests or ambition- bully people into being friends or dare I say romantic relationships.  Surprisingly his classy approach doesn’t work well.  He’d be a great addition to a trilogy of “The 44 Year Old Virgin”.  He definitely has social issues, no game, and I would bet my right arm he has never gotten laid let alone kissed a girl.  Maybe he’s just barking up the wrong tree?  Beasteality exists for a reason and although commonly looked down upon, I think this might be the yellow brick road to his happiness.

I do have to thank him for actually raising my self esteem.  If I ever feel sorry for myself, I just have to remember Johnny’s extremely pathetic existence and I will bounce back in no time.  I am not going to bash him anymore because I’m starting to think he has some developmental delay, in addition to being an a**hole, since all his attempts were highly juvenile for someone his age.

If anyone is looking for a catch like this, Johnny’s “due” and has included his contact info.  You better get in touch soon because that guy won’t be around for long.  It’s a matter of time until he’s locked up behind bars, whether it is in prison or a zoo.

Thanks Johnny!  It’s been a pleasure exposing you.  Onto the next freak!

-Bev

Online Blind Dating: Adding Insult to Injury

What happens when a dating site blocks all pictures?  CHAOS!!!  And probably a major decline in traffic.  Let’s be honest.  Most people on dating websites are there to find people they’re attracted to, at least initially.  The profile serves as a supplement but many users don’t even take a glimpse at your efforts to be witty, sexy, and attractive through the written word.  Recently, one of these dating sites implemented a “Crazy Blind Dating” app and blocked all pictures for a whole day.  People went nuts and were writing really hostile statuses while probably 1% of the site was ok with it.  Newsflash- That 1% probably never shows a picture.  Personally, I think they should implement a day when you HAVE to show a picture…and one that’s not a decade old. My assumption is that this new app is not a huge hit and someone is probably jobless.

Why would you choose to go on a blind date when you can see what they look like?  Blind dates served a purpose when you were unable to show a picture but we’re not in 1989 or in North Korea.  Dating online is awkward enough, I don’t think it needs blind dating to add another element of surprise.  And from personal experience, they are usually shocking and not in a good way.

My friends and parents (ahem MOTHER) try to set me up all the time.  My grandma is the worst though.  She always tries to set me up with an orthodox cousin at some family function.  Brings a new meaning to “keeping it in the family”.  Flattered, but not interested.  I did however go on a few blind dates that support my stance on the subject.

My top three blind date stories:

1.  I was set up with a friend of a friend’s brother because we were both single in New York.  Usually that is a starting off point for commonalities but that’s all the information I got about him besides his age and location.  We were off to a great stop, but I agreed to go because hey, you never know!  Plus I figured my friend knows me enough to judge if I’d be a good fit with someone.  So, I got to the bar early and got a bar table.  All of a sudden a surge of men came in, one better looking than the next.  Some would glance at me and I’d get excited but they would either walk by or wave to someone they know.  Then a short potbelly guy with an acid washed shirt and fleece vest walks in and my stomach sank.  I was thinking, “Please don’t be my date, please don’t be my date”.  Then I hear, “Bev?”.  Despite every instinct I had to walk out, I stayed and gave him a chance.  Maybe he had a really good personality or was really funny?  Nope, the only thing good about him was his appetite.  I had to sit through an entire dinner with him, having only ordered a salad while he ordered the left side of the menu.  When the check comes I always offer to pay but before I had the chance to he asked if we could split it.  Then the check came back and there were $3.00 to split.  He pocketed the $2.00 and was like, “Here you want this?” and slid the dollar over to me.  Thanks for your generosity but you definitely need that more than I do.  Needless to say, we never spoke again.

2.  I get a call from my Mom and had no idea what I was getting myself into by picking up the phone.  She was standing with her friend’s son and his fiance and asked me in front of them if I wanted to get set up with the girl’s brother.  I got the whole pitch and got cornered into saying yes.  The girl was standing next to my mother describing her brother and could probably hear our phone conversation.  I couldn’t say no!  So I agree to meet him and again go to a bar to meet.  I had a hard day so needed a drink before he came.  When he showed up he said hi and then went straight to the bar.  Despite noticing my empty glass he did not offer to order me a drink.  Strike 1.  Then he sits down and I immediately notice his wandering eye (maybe he didn’t notice the empty glass after all).  It might have been nice to have mentioned that minor detail.  I had no idea where he was looking the entire time.  What was more off putting was that he was cocky and had an attitude.  Strike 2.  He had his phone out the entire time and was texting.  Then after he finished his drink (which was probably 10 minutes later) he picks his phone up- it didn’t ring or buzz- and tells me he has to leave for a work emergency.  Before I could get my coat on and look up he was halfway across the street running like his ass was on fire.  Strike 3!!

3.  The Ukrainian.  This was right after I had a bad break up with someone I had dated from Jdate.  So I immediately went back online to try and get my mind off of him by dating right away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying enough attention to who I was actually agreeing to meet.  With the Ukrainian, there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore and they bit me in the ass.  First, he barely wrote anything in his two emails and had a sparse profile.  Second, he lived with his parents in Brooklyn (at age 29).  Third, his picture was about 500 feet away standing next to an American Flag pole.  That should have deterred me off the bat.  But I go to meet him outside Barnes and Noble in Union Square and see a guy with a striking resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies and, of course, that was my date.  I had that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach but I couldn’t just leave him there so I went and introduced myself.  We decided to go to a bar as opposed to dinner.  I could not understand a word he was saying because he spoke broken English with a thick Ukrainian accent.  So the conversation was a lot of “sorry what?” and dead silence.  The bar was loud and crowded which didn’t help.  What I could tell was that we had nothing in common and a lack of conversation.  We get to the bar and I order a Kettle One and club soda.  He goes, “Thank god, I thought you were going to order vodka”.  That was my cue to go.

I saved the Ukrainian for last because that was the closest thing to an online blind date.  It was the worst date I’ve ever had and probably will ever have.  Now thinking back, that flagpole picture was probably when he literally got off the boat to Ellis Island.  If that was any indicator of what online blind dates would be like, then count me out.

Lesson learned: Photos, a profile, and an email are barely enough to know someone before a regular date.  Taking the picture away only lessens the chance that you will have a successful meeting.

If you are into uncomfortable situations then by all means try the Crazy Blind Dating app.  I prefer to keep the element of surprise strictly to presents…you can always return and exchange.  What I can’t get back is my time and the permanent image of Urkainian Sloth out of my head.

Thank you blind dates for the memories…and the nightmares.

-Bev